New Moon

Don't worry, I'm not going to give away any secrets of the movie. Feel free to read on:)

In no way am I a crazy Twilight fan. I love the books, well, two of the four. Okay, three of the four. Having said that, Meems and I went to the midnight showing of New Moon this morning. (I almost wrote last night:) Normally I would never do this, but I thought, "what the hay. It'll be like I was back at Ricks keeping regular hours of not going to bed before 2 in the morning. How did I ever survive that?

I have to say that I actually did enjoy it. Maybe because the bar had been set so low with the first one, that truthfully there was really nowhere to go but up, but I thought there was a lot of great dry humor. Gosh I love dry humor. But the thing that really had me laughing was the audience. An audience full of young girls and women. But mostly I'm targeting the young high school crowd. There was so much screaming and cheering when Edward first came on the scene. And boy did they stage that one. I had to laugh at how he enters, with his hair blowing in the breeze (how they managed that with the amount of hair gel to keep his hair up is anybody's guess) and his coat flapping in the breeze as he comes toward Bella with his best bad boy look in his eye. The audience practically swooned. There was so much screaming and then shushing that the first two sentences out of Edward's mouth couldn't even be heard. And don't even get me started about what happened when Jacob took off his shirt. Had to admire the boy's bronzed physique however:) Hey, I'm not blind! I was just noticing:)

There were a couple of cheesy parts (look for a quick 10 second run through the meadow scene. It's true cheese that scene), but all in all I liked it. Apart from the fact that the reel MELTED as we were at the height of the climax, where they were standing in front of the Volturi, it was good. That small detour added an additional twenty minutes that I could've used as sleep this morning, but it was a pretty decent show. The free movie pass for melting the movie strip in front of our eyes was pretty decent as well.
I finally got home at 3:30 this morning and wondered if I should even bother going to bed. However I did, and I have to say I've been pretty darn alert for having woke up at 7 ish. Too much on the brain I suppose. Maybe I'm in hyperdrive.

Hmmm.

This move is going to be the death of me. I'm happy to say though, that our house is all painted and we're ready to move in tomorrow! Well, as ready as you can be I suppose:)

A Slow Down? I don't think so.

Even though I've been released from my calling as RS President my life has yet to slow down. Apparently I've been living enough for 2 different people in the last year and now that I'm down to one life again, I still have not transitioned the brain to get a clue. The new President emailed me some questions she had and as I was answering I realized that I needed a phone number. I jumped out of my seat to go grab my binder before I realized that I DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE. I gave it to her!

Like I said, Brain hasn't realized I've been released.

When you give your whole self to something, it's hard to let go, even if it is something of a relief:) I've got all sorts of conflicting crazy emotions about being released, but mostly I'm just grateful for the experience.

We're still moving in, and still in between houses. It's really annoying when you need something only to find it's been boxed up. Can't wait to finally be in one location, even if it will look like World War III just occurred. Seriously, I hate moving. At least I can finally get rid of stuff I've been meaning to get rid of for some time now. Anybody want any floor rugs? They're in really great shape!!

Our vacation was amazing!! Came home more tired than I left. There's a bit of irony. Went ziplining in the mexican jungle, though the guides' said that the canopy wasn't technically a jungle, but glory, it sure felt like it!! Mexico is hot! However, since you sweat from every pore I have to say that my skin loved it. Every time we went outside while we were there it was like getting an instant facial. And for free!

We ate dinner at a beach front restaurant called La Palapa. GORGEOUS!!!! I can't say that enough. They set up our table 10 feet from the beach with tiki torches and candles on our table for light. And the food, ahhhh the food.... We ordered 4 desserts just to sample them all.

(sigh)

Lots and lots of shopping in Mazatlan, and then some much needed beach time in Cabo. We took a water taxi out to a popular beach and stayed there for a couple of hours just enjoying the water, and then we ate lunch at a local place. Kind of scared to eat outside of the boat, but it really was fine. And the food was better!!

That catches me up, but now we're heading into the holidays and it just feels wrong. Maybe because I was sunning on the beach not 2 weeks ago??? Does time feel like it's being sped up? Seriously, I feel like we just had Christmas!! Not that I'm a bah humbug cause this really is my favorite holiday, but sheesh- it's a lot of work! I don't even think we'll be completely unpacked by Christmas. Poor sweet hubby, can you get on installing those closet organizers before Saturday? I know you're putting together so many pieces of furniture right now, and your knees have blistered from kneeling on the tile, but it would really help with the unpacking of clothes.

Did I tell you how much I love you!

I'm moving Saturday officially and seeing New Moon at Midnight on Friday. I'm crazy. I'm downright crazy. I don't even know if I'll be awake to even watch the movie. It better be good or I'm gonna be a-snoozin!

Gosh I'm going to miss Mather. Somebody buy my house!

Where oh Where?

I've lost my brain. I think it's hiding. I think I've abused it long enough.

It's worn out.

It just can't take anymore "STUFF." Maybe I'll find it underneath the junkyard that is my boys' beds. I swear, they throw everything under there to avoid actually picking it up. Yep, that would be the perfect place. My brain "KNOWS" I avoid the junkyard at all costs.

Gosh I miss my brain. Mostly because it took my mind along with it.

Relief in Sight

21 days till Doug and I sail off on a cruise to Mexico. I feel fairly safe as I have already had the swine flu:)

I can almost smell the salty air. I can almost feel the wind blow through my hair. And yes, since it is Mexico, I can almost taste the chiclets that I know I will inevitably buy. How can you not? Those people sure know how to play on sympathies.

Suffice it to say, I am in need of a much deserved break. And I refuse to feel any guilt over it.

So there.

Hopefully I'll believe those words by day 3 on the boat.

Hutspah!

Doug emailed me this link today to You Tube and I thought it was so good that I'm going to share it with you. I wish in America that we could say this sort of thing on a school answering machine, and make parents responsible for their own children. Really...you have to listen to this. I think I stood up out of my chair and shouted hallelujah!!!! Someone finally got some hutspah!

So whether it be fake or not, it surely makes sense. Love it!

Click here

Better than a tiki hut in Bora Bora

Some of you have heard me talk about getting away to Tahiti or a tiki hut in Bora, Bora when life gets stressful. I haven't been really stressed today, that was last week. However, I happened to have an hour and a half to myself. To myself.

MYSELF.

Zak went to preschool at 9:15, and I dropped Andon off to Kindergarten at 10. I didn't have to pick up Zak until 11:45 so as I walk in the door after having dropped Andon off, I wondered what I was going to do with myself. I thought, "I should really work on my lesson for RS." But then I decided to watch a movie. Yep, I listened to the little red guy on my shoulder this time. I NEVER GET TO WATCH A MOVIE WITHOUT THERE BEING SOME SORT OF CHAOS. (Notice that in all caps.)

So I fast forwarded the first half hour so that I could get it done by the time I had to pick Zak up. But that's okay. It was UNINTERRUPTED, and I'd seen it a million times.

So I put it on, and I'm almost ashamed to admit this part, but since I have no shame I'll share my gluttony with you all- I ate TWO bowls of Captain Crunch with Crunchberries, (cause this is really the best one, the plain captain crunch just doesn't cut it), a rice krispy treat, (okay, I ate TWO. Don't be that shocked.), AND I had chips and salsa. I know, truly this is probably making you hurl, and it in no way goes together as food should, but I'll tell you what- I DIDN'T HAVE TO SHARE! And in my defense, I didn't have breakfast that morning, so this was a sort of brunch.

So there you have it. I'm sure you're vomiting, but my hour and a half was FAN-TABULOUS. I look forward to tomorrow. I wonder what I'll do tomorrow? More importantly, what will I eat and not have to SHARE tomorrow?

Oh, the wonderfully endless possibilities! They said that life got a bit easier when kids got older and were off to school. Usually I don't put much stock in the "THEY," cause really, who are "they?" And how come they have such clout? But you know what, it is easier in some ways. But "THEY" weren't right in one thing: the more kids you get in school the more homework you do. I went through school already. Why do I have to go through it 4 MORE TIMES??????

I think I'll pose that question to "they."

Email Thoughts

A friend emailed this list of his thoughts to me the other day, and I since I laughed so hard I thought I would share this so that you too can have a good laugh. Laughter always makes me feel lighter, as if all the stress just suddenly evaporates with the euphoria of a good joke, even if it's only as long as the laughter lasts. I don't really know, but I would believe it 100% if it's proven that the brain chemistry changes when one laughs. Maybe the endorphins released are 10 times greater than normal. I would believe it. I always feel better when I laugh. And the less I think of myself, which, let's face it, is ALWAYS a good thing.

So here's to a good funny- (picture me toasting a diet coke with lemon)

"May we always appreciate, and never waste, a good laugh."

So here goes: (and hopefully you'll read through the whole thing so that your euphoria can last a few moments. And if you read REALLY SLOWLY, then you might even be able to prolong it a couple of minutes:)

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent some jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Hopefully you got to the bottom and you're laughing. I found all of these to be so true to myself and perhaps that's why I think it's funny. Maybe that's the trick- being able to laugh at oneself. It's always less offensive anyway:)

Flu Rantings

I suppose it's been a sort of hiatus from blogging. School started and although there were pictures taken none were posted. I can hear the collective sigh of dismay from the blogging community. I mean really, isn't that what blogging is about? To post pictures and tell the goings on in our lives? Yeah, I stink at it. I've just been SOOO BUSY. And I really can't blame it on the flu either, though I blamed the flu this last week for all things miserable. I truly haven't been that sick since I was a kid!

It was beyond miserable. And we're all still suffering from the head cold. It's the germ that just keeps on giving!

I decided that NyQuil is the Lord's tonic. It enabled me to actually get OFF the couch one day last week. I would walk from my bed to the couch in the morning. I think there's some inner dialect we tell ourselves that if we could join the land of the living, even if it's in body only, that somehow we're going to feel better. It doesn't usually work, but it enables other people to wait on you better:) I guess there is one perk to being sick. lol

Unfortunately, NyQuil and all products with the 'Quil' name started making me feel funny. Could it be the alcohol? Honestly, if it was, I really have no idea why kids want to take the stuff to get high, or whatever they do. NyQuil has become like bologna and root beer floats for me now- once they've been puked, they don't go down the pipe anymore. Not without some serious food aversion. So however much I think NyQuil has a tremendous product out there, I will no longer be taking it, unless under some serious derision.

Thankfully we're all pretty much on the mend. That germy held on for dear life, but it was just no match for my white blood cells. (We all come from good stock my dears:) However, I think germy's mucous buddies are still having a party. How come that's the worst part of a sickness? Not only do you get sick, but you can't even get better nice and clean, and without the aid of a like, a MILLION tissues.

*sigh*

ZAK

MY BABY TURNED 4 TODAY!!!!

He was actually due on the 16th, but came a day early. THIS IS VERY RARE FOR ME. All our other children were a week late, and Andon I had to be induced with. The boy just wouldn't come out! So it was a pleasant surprise to find that I was in labor early. (I say pleasant because by kid #4, labor couldn't come soon enough!!) What's more interesting, cause I know you find this tidbit fascinatingly interesting, is that there was a major heat wave 4 years ago that induced pregnant women into labor all over the sacramento valley. Much like today. (Good golly- wasn't it like 206 degrees today???)They were so full that they had to find me a room, and it was just the prepping room. There was only a chair in it! At the time I thought, "This doesn't bode well." But everything went like clock work. He was an easy delivery, as deliveries go, and I had the most AWESOME male nurse who said he preferred me over his other patients. Apparently they were screamers. So he stayed even after his shift was over to make sure that I had everything I needed. He was a gem. If the Vatican took referrals for Saints, I would have put in his name. He was that great!! However, I was really stupid and told the med student that he could stay and LEARN. (shaking my head)

The birthday boy kept asking for a motorcycle. This really is no surprise as the child is OBSESSED with motorcycles. OBSESSED doesn't even do it justice. If the boy doesn't ask for a bullet bike at 16 I will be utterly shocked. And he doesn't just want a TOY motorcycle, he wants the REAL THING.

Ummmm... NO.

He got a neon green and black bike that he has intrepidly worked at pedaling all day. Doug stayed up late putting it together so that he could have it first thing when he woke up. So sweet.

So tonight we're going to spaghetti factory and then Saturday we'll be heading off to John's Incredible Pizza in Roseville. I've been wanting to go here for MONTHS. In other words, IT BETTER BE WORTH IT.

I love new finds!

Doug found this really cool idea on the internet. Well, I guess he was listening to Dave Ramsey and he told Doug about it:) Either way, it's a really cool find. Amanda you'll love this as you started our love affair with Dave's advice.

What it is, is menus that you buy that come equipped with the grocery list and recipes. For anyone who hates to cook as much as I do (I LOVE to eat not prepare) than you might really like this. For $5 a month Dave hooks you up with a different meal plan a week. This alone thrills me because I seem to be stuck in the same "cooking rut" week after week. We eat the same stuff all the time! Plus, coming up with menus and grocery lists is just a headache that I don't want anymore. Not only that, but you can pick which kind of way you want to eat, be it low fat, regular, or vegetarian. (I don't know if there's other ones than those.) Then you choose for how many people you want to feed, and they email you your list for the week. How FAB is that! I say that it's F-A-B. A new menu A WEEK!

So here's the other thing that I like about it: They keep the grocery lists for those meals from $75 to $80 a week! This has been a bit of a savings for Doug and I. And I have to say that this has brought some excitement to preparing for dinner! I wonder what we'll try today:) The recipes are super quick and honestly, cause I'm a girl who likes to try new recipes but not all of them have been good, these recipes are REALLY GOOD. It's true when they say that they make the menus Family Friendly.

So I just wanted to share what Doug found. So far we've loved using it, and I daresay that we'll continue for some time. I suppose after we've amassed a bunch we could quit buying the service and just reuse the menus. Who knows? But it's been a really fun find! And really, you can't beat $5 a month!!!

(I put the link here on the right so you could check it out if you're so inclined:)

LOOOOOVVE IT!

Game ON!

When you have young kids, ie babies and toddlers, it can be really difficult, right? Right. When the girls were little I found myself wishing that they were older- no more changing diapers, being up in the middle of the night would be a thing of the past, and let's face it, not having to dress three people, including oneself, was such a novelty. I longed for that day to come.

Well, it's here, and it's been here for a while. And grateful though I am, it comes with other peculiarities.

This being one of them:

I'm innocently showering, minding my own business, spending some much deserved quality time with JUST MYSELF, no one happened to be knocking or pounding on the door. It really was just a sweet moment in time. So I tarried. And I tarried. And really, this amount of me-time should've tipped me off to something brewing, but alas, it didn't, because this me-time is so precious and I grab and appreciate every moment that I can.

As I was saying, I was innocently showering, basking in the heat of the spray, when suddenly I feel this icy blast of water hit my head and run like rivulets down my back. I gasp for air, sputtering, and then what do I hear? Tinkling notes of hilarious laughter that burst forward from my darling daughters as they just realized that they got one over on me. It's a rare moment that this occurs, and they found themselves incredibly proud.

Needless to say, I wasn't enthused, however I had to acknowledge and laugh that it really was quite clever. I don't know what size cup they used, but from the amount of cold water that was thrown on me, I am surmising that it was quite a large one. I'm about to up the ante chicas. Watch out!

GAME ON!

And to think that I was going to apologize to them for buying such crappy toilet paper!

Overworked Diaphram

I have the hiccups.

Normally I would never post about such a thing as having the hiccups. It's just not 'post-worthy.' Who wants to read about someone's hiccups? But they're not going away!

They've been coming and going ALL day. I never know what will trigger them. Did I breathe wrong? Did I yell at the kids? (Okay, so that could very well be it.) Was it when I put the 4th child in a time out that should've taken three minutes, but actually ended up taking 20?

Oh...now they're gone. Sweet Mercy!

Oh crap! I mean crud. (I'm trying to control my language) They're back. Now it's as if I just think about them and they come back. Maybe I oughtta hold my breath.

*Holding breath*

Nope. That didn't work. Ah well. I suppose I shall just suffer in silence. But now they're becoming painful.

AHHH so funny! The 4th child mentioned above just walked in with Andon's Cup that he wears to T-ball! And it's on inside out!!!! It looks painful. AHHHHH...so laughing right now, I'm practically crying, especially as I watch him walk away and I see these cute white bum cheeks peeking out behind the straps. (In case you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the SPORTS cup, or the "Special Underwear" that Andon is required to wear to play ball. That's what we had to dub it so that he'd wear it. On a side note, cause I'm easily distracted, the first official game they played you could see the boys rapping their knuckles on their 'cups' and laughing about how hard they could hit it and not feel a thing. Right there on the playing field! Right in full view for the audience's pleasure. Now that's funny!!!!)

Hey, what do you know? The hiccups are gone! Wow! The cure is to laugh! It's really true what they say about laughter- It really is nature's home remedy!

Or not. They're back.

*sigh*

What gives?

Yes Sir, Officer Sir!

Me, on my way to T-ball, looks in my rear view mirror to discover the flashing lights of Mr. Police Man.

Me, after having made Mr. Police Man chase me three blocks because I am an oblivious motorist, then turn on his siren briefly but enough to jolt me right out of my skin, follows me into the parking lot where I was going to park anyway, I say: "Officer, what did I do?"

I truly didn't know! And okay...I was going for the wide eyed innocent, damsel in distress look that apparently only works when you're in your twenties. Truly, it used to work!

Officer: "Well Maam, (MAAM????!!!) You rolled through the stop sign at 7-10 mph.

Me, thinking: (Oh crap! I'm sure I did since I don't stop at ANY stop sign. UNLESS THERE'S A CAR, I'm not that crazy.) But here's what I said: "Really Officer?" (Said with innocent disbelief, that apparently only works when you're in your twenties cuz he wasn't buying it!)

Officer: "Yes, I have you on my camera, do you want to see it?" (Now he said this like he's used to not being believed and having confrontations with people. Now really.. in his line of work? I could hardly believe it.)

Me and my split second, think on my feet thinking, cuz I'm quick like that...NOT!!, start thinking to myself, OOH- I should be nice and accomodating and maybe I'll get out of this potential ticket. So I say, "NO, I believe you. I'm really sorry! I was trying to not be late for my son's t-ball game, you know how cute they are when they're this little, and he just loves to play!" (I'm trying to appeal to his sporty side, after all- he's a guy. AND a grandfather. Well, at least I think he is. He was in his 50's.)

I smile.

He asks me for my license and registration.

Nice. Like I said...in your twenties...

He takes my drivers license and registration, and proof of insurance. Hello what? My insurance card is expired? What? Really? Shoot! Officer, I swear I have insurance!

He nods briefly and walks away. Does the guy have any sense of humor?

It takes something like 5 whole minutes before he comes back from checking out my police record. During that time Andon's asking my if I'm going to jail, and how come we can't get to the game. He reminds me that we're late. As if I didn't know! I was getting quite irritated with said Officer. I mean, it's not like I have a 20 page rap sheet that he has to look through! However, I figure that I could score huge points by leaning out the window slightly to respond to my son who's walking around the car at this point because he's unbuckled himself, to say somewhat loudly, 'No, mommy's not going to jail. The nice officer pulled me over because I broke a rule.'

See, I'm a good parent. I teach my kids to not be law breakers. Did that score me points? Well, WHEN I WAS IN MY TWENTIES IT DID!

I've gotten out of every ticket till this one. I've even gotten Doug out of a ticket! Apparently I was much more pretty...ummm I mean, PERSUASIVE, when I was in my twenties.

Officer: "Okay, so you don't have any points on your drivers licence." (Duh, that's cause I've gotten out of the other tickets! Well okay, so I didn't get out of the parking ticket, and the seat belt ticket. But the seat belt ticket was in lieu of the speeding ticket. I was 21. Do you see my point?)

He proceeds to write me a ticket.

Me: "Seriously Officer- you're going to write me a ticket? You can't just give me a warning???"


I am now a proud owner of a $204 moving violation ticket. And do you know the worst part of it? I haven't learned a darn thing! When I got back in the car to go home after the t-ball game, I rolled through 2 more stop signs! I can't seem to help it!!! Today though, I have to say that I'm much more aware of my car and it's proximity to the stop sign.

Baby steps.

As we crossed the crosswalk, Andon yells, "There's the police man that pulled us over!" I turn and with my sweetest smile and miss America wave, (elbow elbow, wrist wrist) I wave at him. And then under my breath I mutter, "Take that Mr Officer Sir! Now do ya feel guilty?"

That'll show him. You don't ticket a sweet YOUNG mother. Shame on you.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

Lots of Prickles Later

I've been in desperate need of new photos of my ninos to put in picture frames. I've finally succeeded, but not after traipsing through weeds and losing out to many pouty faces. Andon was great, surprisingly, but I think it was because I took him out alone. He was much more agreeable. I did the same with Zak, however he wasn't so enthused. However, after much of this....



We finally achieved this. Thank heaven cuz that was all I was getting out of him!







Next photo project...Brittnee. Maybe by fall I'll have everyone's photos done and in frames, just in time to call them school pictures. Hey, that's not a bad idea!

Blog Printing

I know...Two posts in two days!!! It's like the old days when I was first blogging. I couldn't get enough of it!

So this is for all you who have asked me about how Doug printed my blog for so cheap- namely Kim and Kimberley. Okay, so here's how he did it:

He went through sharedbook but he doesn't remember if there is a dot com attached to that, so just google sharedbook. So for $2.95 you can get it converted into a pdf format. You may have to do some adjusting for pages after they send it back to you. I asked him if Kinkos just printed and bound it for him, and he said that they charge by the color print, unless you want it black and white, but who wants that?, and it was going to cost him about the same as if he just had this other company print it, so he just printed it himself, right off the good ole laser printer. Granted that's almost 200 pages, but he said it was much cheaper. THEN he took it and had it bound at Kinkos. Super cheap! As I'm not looking for anything fancy, this suited me just fine. I just wanted it in print, so this was a great way to go if you're just looking to get it into print. He put a nice cover on it. It's a picture of Andon, and a back cover as well. If I wasn't so lazy I'd take a picture and show you, but I don't want to sift through the 200 files on my memory card for one little ole picture.
I know... (shake of the head)