My Epiphany

So I had no internet Saturday and Sunday, and can I just say how absolutely HORRIBLE that was? You know you have a problem when you panic because you can't get on. Okay, maybe I didn't actually panic, but I was definitely annoyed. I couldn't check my blog, and more importantly I couldn't blog stalk. To my utter joy the internet was working this morning, so my world is now at peace.

Now I can tell you of my epiphany of sorts last night. (This is what happens when there is no internet. One actually has to think. I know, the horror.) I don't recall the thought process leading up to my epiphany, but I was in that state between awake and asleep. I was reminiscing and thinking of the things I've accomplished and the things I've yet to do in my life. The way I've always thought about myself has been in two parts: one being me-myself-and I, the woman; the other being as a mom. The two parts, in my mind, never mixed. They were two separate individuals. And I think a part of me has always wanted to put the Woman before the kids, or at least view that part of myself as more important than being a mom. Maybe that's the world's perspective, I don't know. The thing is, I've always put my kids first, but felt slightly guilty for it when really, should I have been focusing more on myself? If I make a better me, that will make me a better mom, right? And that makes some sense, but it's all about balance. Here comes the epiphany moment: I realized that the things I learned and continue to learn as a mother have made me a better woman. The many hats we don everyday for the different needs of our children actually make us into more well rounded individuals. I know that I have more empathy for a mother who is wrestling 4 children in the grocery store all for the sake of getting a couple of items. (See my crazy life story.) I don't see the world in the same view as I did before kids. There is my pre-children life, and my post-children life, and by far the life that I have after kids is far better than the one I had before. Selfishness cannot exist when you have children. You've never felt real, true love till you hold that baby in your arms for the first time. You never knew you could be a stand up comedian till you play with your kids. You didn't know what true sacrifice was till you were asked to give the last cookie to your toddler.(Okay, that might be stretching, but ya'll know what I mean.) Patience is not truly earned until you go through potty training. You don't think your heart could be so full or break so hard until you have kids. You don't realize what a great story teller you are until you're asked to read a book 10 times in a row and you have to embellish the story just to keep your eyes open so that you can read it an 11th time. You don't realize how amazing and wonderful the world really is until you see it for the first time through your child's eyes. Disneyland becomes a grand adventure when you take your children. You cry when your daughter's heart is broken because you feel as if yours just broke too. The things your children go through are the same things you yourself went through, but somehow when it's your child, you feel it much deeper.
Everything changes and you change too. The mundane, sometimes monotonous things we do as mothers actually make us better women. I no longer see my job as a mom as a job, but as a learning experience. Yes, it's still a job in the sense that it is work, but motherhood is not just to be endured till it's over, but lived to its extreme. There is something to be learned in the highs and the lows of everyday life. So if any of you have debated this very dilemma, just remember that the things we learn as mothers actually mold us into becomming better women.
Thanks for letting me wax poetic for a moment. Every now and then I need to write these thoughts down as they come. Thoughts don't come easily you know! Just kidding.