Journal Jar Prattle #3

WHAT THINGS FRIGHTEN YOU THE MOST?

BIG UGLY HAIRY NASTY LOOKING SPIDERS!!! There cannot be enough explanations points. In fact I hate them so much that they could actually corner me in a room if they were smart enough. If I see a spider, I avoid that spot by a good 5 foot radius, ALL THE WAY AROUND. Fortunately I have a husband that saves the day. He triumphantly rides in and slays my 'dragon' for me.

When I was younger, my sister and I had bedrooms downstairs, where the spiders were at times, quite plentiful. My mother would often hear at 6 in the morning, after we'd gotten up to get ready for school, the Dri Vac powering up. The Dri Vac had a 3 foot long hose that we would use to SUCK the offending, loathsome creatures up with. And then once the sucking had been accomplished, we'd shriek and yell and throw the hose across the room, pushing the Dri Vac frantically back down the hallway. Most often, my sister was the one in charge of the 'sucking.' By default really. I was the oldest, and as such, more persuasive. I actually talked her out of her Christmas present one year when she was 5 and I was 7. My mother still couldn't believe it when it happened. And I actually do remember this! I remember thinking that my doll was SO ugly, and my sister's was so NOT ugly. I wanted hers. So I remember talking her into it. Sad, I know. Apparantly my powers of persuasion still existed when we were both in High School, cause as much as she hated spiders, she'd still do the sucking. LOL!

I have discovered though that I am bigger than the spider, and sometimes it helps knowing that I have the potential to crush it with my foot. Maybe someday I'll actually get enough guts to do so.

The next thing I'm afraid of...though now that I think about it, I probably should've listed it first (roll of the eyes) is my family becoming either seriously sick, one of them dying, or possibly kidnapped. Perhaps I should address the death fear only because it has now become one that haunts me on ocassion.

Since Niels, Doug's dad, passed away almost 2 years ago, death has suddenly become much more personal. It's not just that "thing" that happens to older people, other people. I now have a personal relationship with 'it.' When someone is taken from you so suddenly you're world is turned upside down. Much more so Doug's mom. Her entire world crumbled and needed to be rebuilt. I dread the day I lose Doug.

For months after The Death, (and I call it "the death" because it really was, for me, a living, breathing, entity), I would panic if Doug wasn't home at EXACTLY the time he was supposed to be. There was even one time, when I couldn't get a hold of him that I had convinced myself that he was dead. Something disastrous had happened and I was no longer going to gaze upon his face again. After an hour of not being able to get a hold of him, I was so convinced of his fate that I found myself in tears, bargaining with Heavenly Father to let him live.

This is what Death did to me.

As the days and the months went on, however, I realized that that uncontrollable fear that I'd developed was just that. Fear. Irrational at times it seemed, it was tangible nonetheless. I now no longer convince myself that Doug is dead if he doesn't arrive home from work at the usual time. I still worry and the irrational fear rears its ugly head, but I've learned to calm myself down and not flip out. He's so good at calling me when he's going to be late, or at the office too long, or if he's just stuck at an event too long. I've even wondered if we should get him a cell phone, cause we only have one and it's basically mine, but then I think that maybe that would just make me more manic.

Having a knowledge of the gospel certainly helps. Knowing that life doesn't end here, that it continues on is soooo reassuring. The reunion between father and son will be precious, I know, but I don't want that reunion any time soon!

As the girls get older, especially Teaghan, knowing that she's approaching teenager-hood (is that a word?) I've coming to the conclusion that I may also be just as manic when they don't show when they're supposed to. Perhaps as I get older, I realize how precious life really is, how precious each and every relationship we have with those lives is, and it scares me to lose them. But then I remember that this isn't really our Home, that we're here on this earth as a testing ground, that this is just a stop on the way back Home, and it gives me comfort. I remember telling the girls after Papa died, as we sat crying and holding each other on Teaghan's bed, that Papa had finally gone Home. That he was done here. His mission was over. It's the ones that get left behind that hurt. Oh, I think Papa hurts knowing he can't be here physically, but I know that he checks in on a regular basis, to see how we're all faring. What a blessing to know that!

So let's all "fare" well.